Reverb 11, December Seventh

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I should have investigated opportunities to sing that don't include the word "karaoke."  It's been so long...

My students occasionally ask me to sing for them - I always bust out the first verse/chorus of "Man in the Mirror."  They usually ask me why I haven't auditioned/don't audition for American Idol/X Factor or whatever.  Since many of them actually enjoy those televised circuses, I can't reply "Um, because I have something called 'pride'."  That wouldn't be the entire answer, in any case - I actually don't believe that's an environment I'd enjoy or in which I'd thrive vocally/performatively.

I haven't pursued the environments I do enjoy, in which I think I would thrive, for a few reasons.  First is my constant fear that I am possessed of a finite amount of energy; that by spending it on such selfish pursuits as my love of entertaining others, I'd be depriving my academic and professional lives of energy they need.  Hey, I've got clinical depression.  I'm living with it, but I always think - "What if I stretch myself too thin?"  I could  implode, all of my forward strides fallen victim to the reach that exceeds my grasp.  I'm a full-time student and a full-time health educator.  I would love to add part-time singer to the list...but I fear it would cost too much energy.


Second, and closely related, is the specter of Sickle Cell.  Overtaxing myself is a great way to end up horizontal on a morphine drip.  My recovery time from those bouts is just too long these days; I can't afford, financially and otherwise, to be out of commission for that long.

Perhaps I'm wrong, though; perhaps it wouldn't cost so much energy. I know it would cost much money. To tune myself back up to professional quality, I'd have to find a voice teacher to help me unlearn the bad habits I've relearned in the years since the Vassar Days, when I was at the peak of my training.  Of course, thanks to all the booze and smoke of those Days, I've probably sounded better since then - but the technique is as key as the sound it produces.  I could go auditioning without the voice teacher - I could maybe get by with actually warming up before I sing, and rehearsing the songs instead of letting them fly off the cuff.  But there's that pesky pride, and the accompanying fear that I'm not as good as I think I am (despite the recurring evidence that I might be a little better than I think I am).  It would take a golden opportunity coming up at the last minute for me to take my present best effort to an audition.

If you're maybe getting the sense that I over-think myself into stagnancy on this topic, you might be right.  Doesn't mean I'm wrong.  Will 2012 change that?  I dunno.  Perhaps when I'm no longer a full-time student - or perhaps when I've managed to throw off some of the psychological balrogs I mentioned yesterday.  I would so dearly love to add performing to the life I'm building for myself.

Right now, it's 6:45pm in Salt Lake City; I've put in what is a comparatively light day of work, but the effects of being on the go nearly all semester are beginning to tell on me.  I don't have to get up until about 8 tomorrow morning, but I can feel the bed calling me.  (King-sized beds in comfy suites call louder.)  Nights like this, I know that adding one more activity onto my docket is not in the cards for the forseeable future.  And for now, I'm mostly okay with that; after all, I'm a straight-A student with a pretty strong professional reputation.  I am both of those things because I conserve my energy and focus it where it needs to be, when it needs to be there.

For right now, "Man in the Mirror" will have to suffice as my creative outlet.