Reverb 11, December Thirty-First

Encapsulate your hopes for the year 2012 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word.

Open.  I want this to be the year I open up my life - to new people, new experiences, new places.  I want this to be the year I share more of myself.


Wish me luck, my friends, and Happy New Year!

Reverb 11, December Thirtieth

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. 

It's time to move out.  It's actually past time to move out.  I've had some setbacks over the past few years, but as soon as I got this job and got back into school I knew my time was coming.  As often as I'm gone, as expensive as rent in Los Angeles can get, I'm making it my business to be out of this house by this time next year.  Aside from my twin needs of space and privacy, I need space and privacy.  The physical and the psychological.


When I get it?  Free, happy, and blissful are but the beginning.  My self-perception will alter.  In ways it shouldn't, perhaps; I suspect I'll feel things about myself I should be feeling already.  In fact, I know that - my therapist keeps telling me so.

I'm already trying to generate that feeling internally.  Nothing seems to work - there's only so much I can change about the way I see myself and my place in the world...without actually changing myself and my place in the world.

I've started looking at my job as a part of my career.  I take pride in my work.  I'm trying to take more pride in my studies. I could think of six other things, but the sense of bliss, freedom, and happiness I'm looking for will absolutely come well in advance of the keys to my own place if only I can develop greater patience.  That will help me take more pride in all of my work, in my place in the world.

That's fighting a psychological habit of years.  Impatience is sort of a hallmark of mine.

Reverb 11, December Twenty-Ninth

What makes you squirm, looking back at 2011? Write about a moment in which you were uncomfortable, out of your comfort zone, or caught off-guard. Why was it so awkward?

Here's the thing - each of the moments I'm thinking of involve other people, and writing in any detail about those moments seems inappropriate.

These conversations required me to be more mature than I'm used to.  During one conversation, I was quite firmly the adult.  I can do this professionally without batting an eyelash, but for some reason bringing that forthright maturity and authority into my personal life has been difficult in some ways.  The specific form of maturity to which I refer involves speaking the hard truths to people who don't want to hear them, and running the risk of their disapproval (or worse).  I'm learning to speak them to myself; I should show my loved ones the same courtesy.

There's a difference, you know, between rigorous honesty and brutal honesty.  Rigorous honesty means being honest, even when it hurts me, or makes me uncomfortable.  Brutal honesty means being honest, even when it hurts or makes uncomfortable the person with whom I'm being honest.  My comfort zone is breached when I'm not sure which is which - an extreme rarity for me.

Worse is when I know what I'm saying will fall upon deaf ears, or meet with worse than disapproval, and my concept of what it means to love requires me to open my fool mouth anyway.

Reverb 11, December Twenty-Eighth

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

 Dear 2012 Dash: buckle down, get it done, sure, but also have fun.  Push your limits.  Meet new people.  Toward the end of a long journey, it's natural to get focused on the destination - but keep in mind how many fascinating side-trips and discoveries are missed because of target fixation.  Broaden your perspective.  Believing in yourself a skosh more wouldn't hurt either.


Dear 2001 Dash: quit drinking.  Quit the weed, too.  Maybe get a little more focused on the destination; if you ignore it completely, you'll never get there.  Don't be so afraid to be yourself while you figure out who that is.  And even if you ignore every word of this, heed these two things: I love you, and it'll all be okay.

Reverb 11, December Twenty-Seventh

You talked about ambitions earlier in the month. When it comes to ambitions and aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

 I'll let you know what happens Saturday, but other next steps include being willing to take advantage of available opportunities.  I've always been decent at scoping out those opportunities - although I could further develop that skill as well, I really need to get better at following through.


So.  In addition to finding opportunities to sing (and perhaps act), I need to take advantage of those opportunities.  I need to take bigger risks.  I have some good reasons for why I haven't so far - but I need to stretch my limits if I intend to grow any further.

Reverb 11, December Twenty-Sixth

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

This year, I had a plan to build my own computer.  It was gonna be awesome, and run TOR much better than my laptop. (Gaming-wise, I've had a one-track mind for a while now.) I could keep said laptop for my travels, and work on a much faster unit at home.  Fear stopped me: what if I blow the assembly and fry a component or something?  That's too much money lost, even if building from scratch is considerably cheaper than buying out of a box.


I kept this plan on the back burner.  When Papa Sherrell asked me what I wanted for Christmas (on Friday, mind you), I said "Actually, nothing.  There's nothing I want that I don't plan to get myself."  I expressed myself this clearly because my derp of a sister bought exactly the video game that I had purchased as her Christmas present.  (She got an IOU for the game of her choice instead.)  I honestly didn't expect the folks to drop that much money on a gift for ol' Dash - they haven't since early college years.  And why should they?  For me these days, Christmas is more about the giving than the getting.

(If I say so myself, I did some pretty awesome giving this year - the fact that there are two copies of Saints' Row: The Third in the house is evidence of that.)

I was humbled and shocked to see a similar IOU among my presents: good for one computer.  I'd actually discussed my DIY plan with Dad a while back, but he seconded my fears - we're going with out-of-a-box.


Building my own still seems like a fun thing to try, and I've heard it's fairly easy to do.  Perhaps somewhere down the line, maybe when the New Hotness needs an upgrade, I'll revisit the idea.  Hopefully by then, the financial commitment won't feel like as much of a risk.


That won't be next year, of course, but someday.  It's always good to try new things.

Reverb 11, December Twenty-Fifth

Merry Happy, everybody.

What surprised you in 2011? Did you do something unexpected? Or perhaps some life event/milestone snuck up on you? How did you handle it? How did it turn out?

My good friend Melissa - one of my favorite people walking the planet - was visiting Los Angeles earlier this year.  I stole her away from her friends for a few hours, and although we didn't do much, we did plenty of talking.  Melissa and I were in a production of West Side Story a dog's age ago, and while I was reminiscing about that, I realized - it's been a decade since I was in a production of any kind.  Oh, I've had scenework in acting class since, but it's not the same.  Even though I know how old I am, and how old I was when I sported a Puerto Rican accent and answered to Bernardo, the realization caught me off guard.

I handled it like I handle all such realizations: I resolved to do something about it, and then I forgot about it as soon as the motivating frustration passed.  Fortunately, the Force gave me another little nudge last week in the form of lunch with my buddy Chris, and this time I actually took the hint.  We'll see how it turns out; you'll be the second to know.

Did I do something unexpected?  Not to me.  I haven't behaved out of character in a manner that surprises me all year.  You could ask the others in my life, although I expect they'd tell you the same.

Reverb 11, December Twenty-Fourth

This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

Our way is to be light during sensitive moments.  To be carefully casual with expressions of our emotion, our loyalty.  It's odd that that's our way, because Dustin and I are not normally restrained in the expression of our emotions - nor are we restrained in any other way, now that I think about it.  Especially when we're together.  But...that's our way with each other.


So the most memorable gift I've been given this year comes as a by-product of a conversation about another friend's wedding.  I was sitting around the couch with D and Nicole, discussing plans for Fred's wedding versus the planning of their own. Dustin tossed out: "For example: you're gonna be the best man at our wedding, and..." It was an aside, secondary to the point he was actually making; I responded in kind, as a matter of course - because that's our way.  We both knew that was a moment.  It may have been pro forma - I was rather hoping to be so named, and maybe a little bit expecting it.  But it was still a moment, a reveal, and both Dustin and I love a good reveal.  This one lacked all ceremony, and yet I can't imagine it coming in any other way.


However casual the moment may have been - or may have appeared to be - it was a big one for me, and the most memorable gift I received this year.  Now I just have to come up with a good toast - I'll probably have a solid rough draft by July...probably.

Reverb 11, December Twenty-Third

First of all, an update: I have an opportunity to act next week.  Last week, I had lunch with an old buddy from acting class.  He asked if I'd like to throw my name in the hat for this really interesting experience happening on New Year's Eve.  Since I haven't been to a typical NYE party in years, I figured - sounds like fun.  It also sounds, whether I actually get up on stage or not, like a good way to meet some new people.  Cross your fingers that I get on stage, but I'm proud of myself for the acts of saying "yes" when my buddy asked, and of not backing out when I got the follow-up email from the director a few minutes ago.  (And yeah, not doing something is an act when it requires a conscious exertion of will to achieve.)  So.  Good for me, for not waiting until 2012 to make some of the changes revealed as necessary by this month's musings.

What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

Sometimes I wonder if I do share my central narrative with the world, or if I reserve it for the people I know won't judge me too harshly.

When I ask myself what that narrative is, I always leap to the theme of triumph over - and failure to triumph over - adversity.  I start thinking of my main challenges, how they have shaped my life and personality, and the different ways I have confronted or attempted to escape them.  But there is so much more.  Let's try this:


I'm a kid (still true) who has significant challenges.  Most of the time, I face them, account for them, and overcome them.  For a significant period of my life, however, I attempted to escape those challenges by a number of means devised to prove my "normalcy," my similarity to my peers.  (Mainly, this involved frequent consumption of large doses of psychoactive substances.)  When this strategy failed, as it always must, I adapted and found new methods of confronting my challenges.


All along the journey, I have prized music.  I love to entertain others, but I also value the ability to sing well as a fundamental part of me - if I can't sing, I feel less myself.  I have been singing since before I could speak any coherent English (not an exaggeration). I prize laughter equally; my sense of humor, and my occasional ability to share it with others, is a key method of communication.  When things have been at their darkest, I reach for music and laughter to shed some light.


Dark or light, I seek to help people.  Every dream I've ever had for myself, as far back as age eight when I asked what a Hollywood Liberal was, included some way for me to help other people.


I'm not a grown-up yet; I know that.  I intend to hold on to childlike things, but I am still in the process of shedding childish things.


I am a student of people: their thoughts and feelings, their motivations and their workings.  I've studied people as individuals and as groups; although I've elected the former as a career path, both studies are equally fascinating to me.




Not much of a story, but then it's still being written.  When I look at it in this form, I realize that any time I interact with people, I share some piece of myself.  I may hold back specifics, especially when I'm meeting new people, but the essence of me is always there: I'm a caring person who loves to laugh and sing, and who has been through some things in life.  I used to think that last thing was an isolating factor; now I recognize it as the opposite, and often use those challenges to connect with others.

Reverb 11, December Twenty-Second

In 2011, what wrongs (big or small) did you attempt to right? How did you help make the world a better place? Why did you do it?

So, here's the thing I don't talk much about: what, exactly, I do.  Most of you know that I provide substance-abuse prevention.  If you're anything like I still am, the phrase "substance abuse prevention" makes you think of lectures, directives, and scare tactics.  The lectures made us curious, the directives made us rebellious, and the scare tactics made us mistrustful.  That sort of prevention has been proven to be...not the most useful.  In time, I expect it to be proven worse than useless.

I teach, I don't lecture.  I issue no directives of any sort. Instead of using scare tactics, I talk about my own experiences to highlight the concerns of adolescent substance abuse.  As prevention specialists, we focus in on their brain development as the thing that needs protecting above all else. We know now that a brain exposed to addictive substances before it's fully matured (somewhere in the mid-20s) is multiple times more vulnerable to addiction than a brain that remains unexposed until maturity.  Genetic predisposition remains the chief risk factor for addiction; age of first use is a close second.  We teach these factors, so that kids will have an accurate method of assessing risks and determining which risks they'll take.

This is the wrong I attempt to right: our children are woefully misinformed about the true risks of alcohol and other drug use in their youth.  No, not every teenager who has a beer every now and then is going to wind up in rehab; not every teenager who smokes a bowl is going to wind up the pothead I was at 22. But we have to gauge the risk by looking from the other direction, too: nearly every addict I've ever treated, ever known, began using drugs in adolescence.  The exceptions to this rule are nearly statistically insignificant.

We talk about how that happens.  I describe the process of becoming addicted from multiple perspectives: psychological, neurochemical, sociological.  I have a series of discussions with the kids - relying heavily on their input, their opinions and questions.  At the end of the week, I hope I've guided them to - if not a new understanding, then at least a new ability to ask the right questions.

We have done our children a disservice by normalizing teen substance abuse.  By providing accurate information, by illustrating that information with my experiences, by putting a human face on addiction and personalizing the disease, I'm helping to put that sad disservice to rights.

...Okay, "disservice" is not fair.  What we know about brain development, what we know about addiction, and what we know about the true addictive potential of certain drugs (I'm looking at you, THC) is extremely recent information. The best research is decades old, and the history of human substance use predates the written record; we've got an uphill struggle if the goal is to change what it means to be a teenager who uses a drug.  That's an educational process that takes place at the generational level: we educate this generation better, they educate their kids better, and so on.  It's a big job, but I'm doing my part.

If I can get one kid every week to look askance at what she's been told, the rumors she believes, I've done my job.  Someday, I'll go into greater depth about how the social norms perspective aids our educational process; for now, I'll just say that sending teenagers out into the world with a better idea of how to cope with it is my job, and I know that makes the world a better place.

What I do is complicated, on more than one level - I'm a substance abuse prevention specialist who never says "Don't do drugs."  I leave it to the kids to make their own decisions, but only after I'm comfortable that they're dedicated to making an informed decision and understand how important the decision is.

Why I do it is not complicated at all. For one, I wish someone had been there to do the same for me.  I don't know that it would have stopped me from drinking, but I believe I would have recognized the signs of addiction far earlier than I did.  (Since, y'know, I didn't recognize them until I was already in rehab.)  Second, I've seen the ravages of addiction on too many lives - my own, in some ways, least of all. I believe with my whole heart that the best place to start trying to mitigate that damage is in the perceptions of children who have yet to consume an addictive substance.

I could write about my job every day for a week and not fully explain what I do and what it means to me.  The privilege is often overwhelming; the responsibility never is.

Reverb 11, December Twenty-First

Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

My first solo assignment was early this semester, at a new client school in Nepal.  I felt duty-bound to give them my 110% A-game. I always try to give the clients everything they need and are looking for, but I felt a particular burden with this client - after all, as a brand-new client, they wouldn't necessarily know what to look for or ask.  It was up to me not just to have the answers, but to find the right questions as well.

I know I've been fairly obtuse with you all about what I do; I'll save the deeper explanation for the next post.  Suffice it to say for this one that adult education is a part of what I do, and I did it fairly well at this school.  Well enough, in fact, that the office asked me to recreate one of my presentations during our annual training week.


I put a great deal of work into that 40-minute session, and I was rewarded with the acknowledgment and praise of my peers.  The word of the year is "appreciation." The appreciation I was shown in that moment did the best two things it possibly could have: it went straight to my heart, and it didn't go to my head.  That moment was the product of hard work; it showed me how much more hard work I have to do to demonstrate continuing excellence and growth in my profession.  I'm blessed: I happen to enjoy this profession so much that even the work is a little fun.


If there's anything better than doing what you love and being paid for it, it's doing what you love well and being paid and praised for it.  I don't need this much recognition (although it does have a direct impact on how often I work), but I cherish it when it comes.

Reverb 11, December Twentieth

Happy Launch Day, TOR.

Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

My most joyful ordinary moments happen while sitting around with the Horsemen, like we used to do. Like we always will.  Ian, Dustin, Fred and I have only all been in the same space at the same time once this year, at Fred's wedding - but I've been able to see each of them plenty of times.


Each time brings me a quiet pleasure, no matter what's actually going on in the moment.  These are the men who know who I am, around whom I never have need of pretense or professionalism or decorum of any sort.  (Or, really, maturity.)  Silences are never awkward - well, there are hardly ever silences.


My favorite of these moments from this year was just before Freddy's wedding.  Dustin and Nicole (his fiancee...) stopped by the house late one night that week.  We spoke of things, but the things themselves are immaterial to the peace I felt...right alongside the tear-jerking, uncontrollable gales of laughter that ever accompany us.

We're more spread out now than we have ever been - it's up to me to make sure I find those moments a few times each year.


There are other moments, but I figure you're all tired of hearing me talk about singing.

Reverb 11, December Nineteenth

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

Okay.

A buddy from college said this was the best impression of Dr. Cornel West he'd ever seen.  I think he's referring to the expression on my face and my posture, rather than any particular physical resemblance (my hair is not nearly crazy enough).  I actually think I look kinda like my dad (whose hair is even less crazy).


This is me, somewhere between who I've been and who I want to be.  The picture was taken at my friend Kelly's wedding in Philly this past May, by another good friend from college. 

I don't particularly like being photographed - I have never found myself very attractive or appealing to look at - so when I pose for pictures, I usually put on a face. Rarely have I just let someone take a picture of me, as I am, in the moment.  This was one of those times. My guard was down - I was too busy enjoying myself and trying not to get too maudlin to put the mask back on when the camera came out.  So I just looked at my friend, and gave him my patented "Really? Seriously?" look.


The sort of bemused humor in my expression is how I try to greet the world these days.  If you know me, you can see me in the look.  If you don't know me, this picture gives a pretty good introduction/clue.

But such things aren't really about what the subject sees in the picture - they're about what the viewer beholds in the subject.  So even if you see something different than I do: I figure this picture gives the best chance of whatever you see still being some part of my personality.

Reverb 11, December Eighteenth

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

I think the wisest decisions I've made all year had to do with accepting things as they are; specifically, accepting people and the things they say/do.


In my experience, that acceptance isn't always the wisest course. If a loved one does something that truly worries or upsets me, I consider intervening an act of honesty and of that love.

Regarding more distant acquaintances, shutting my mouth has been the best plan more than once this year.  Knowing that doesn't take much; doing it was considerably harder.  Doing it, and not spending the next few weeks stewing over it - that's wisdom, and it's a new skill.


See, I'm fully capable of shutting my mouth over stuff, even when it's hard.  But when I had to do that in the past, I turned my resentment inward and drove myself crazier than if I'd gone ahead and voiced my objections.  These days, I'm able to shut my mouth and find peace on the subject, through acceptance of things and people as they are.


That guy who said that thing about me that time?  He doesn't know me; all he has is his frame of reference and an injudicious tongue.  Maybe he'll change his mind if he gets to know me better, maybe not; I can't spend my days and nights worrying about it.

"Resentment," it is said, "is like taking a poison and expecting someone else to get sick."  I consider acceptance to be a sort of antidote; I take it as soon as possible.  Perhaps someday, I won't feel the resentment in the first place.

Reverb 11, December Seventeenth

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? What do you hope to make in 2012?

I have a fairly impressive vocal range.  It's not what it used to be, but I can still sing soprano if I have to - especially if I don't need it to be too pretty.  Occasionally, I use that range to record some of my favorite pieces from the various choirs I've been in over the course of my life.  I started off with a cappella; lately, I've added piano and laid down some of the gospel music from my church days.  All it takes is some software on my laptop and the USB mic that came with Rock Band.


The songs are nowhere near good enough to play for anyone but myself.  (My mother has them, but I only gave them to her because she wouldn't stop asking.)  This is harder than my usual deal.  Laying down 16 tracks of me singing over me singing, trying to keep in tune the whole time...it's harder than being in the moment and tuning with 15 other people in the same room.


I do this for me; it's my outlet, although I haven't done it in a few months.  There are a handful of songs sitting on my laptop waiting for me to finish them - maybe if I find some time and the inclination over the holidays.


I'm no good at crafts, and I can't draw.  But this is a viable hobby, especially if I can get better at it over time.  Mostly, the thing lacking is patience.  If I didn't settle for less than aces on a single lick, I could turn out product worth playing for someone else.  So there's a goal for 2012.

Reverb 11, December Sixteenth

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? What will you do in 2012 to keep your sense of wonder alive/not become complacent in your surroundings?

Here's another thing my job makes easy, and not just because of all the travel to new and amazing places.

In tenth grade, we got a new principal.  When he came to our class meeting to introduce himself, he told us that "sophomore" was a portmanteau of "sophisticated moron."  (I fell in love right then and there - even as a teenager, I knew it took smarts to walk into a room of nearly 80 teenagers and call them morons, then leave them feeling complimented.) In so doing, he actually defined "sophomoric" as implying more sophistication than it really does.  He also insinuated that our assumption of sophistication had actually imparted some to us.  In retrospect, that was an awfully kind assessment of our maturity level.

As I watch kid after kid caught in the throes of violent adolescence, I find myself trying to emulate that principal. I am quite forgiving and accepting of my students. Not just because it makes for a dynamic classroom, not just because it's easier to challenge their assumptions obliquely than to confront them head-on; I allow them their false sense of their own maturity because I sense what lurks beneath it.  As long as they feel confident that I'm buying into their "whatever" face, they'll greedily soak up all sorts of information - until they remember to tell me, "Oh I already knew that."


Every now and then, though, the facade drops - and a teenager lets me see the light of realization come on in their eyes.  Susie just connected a pair of dots that had previously been in completely separate orbits to her, and the connection shifted the way she sees the world just a little bit. Together, we opened up just enough of a crack to let a little more light through.

The younger they are, the less guarded they are about these Eureka moments, and that is one reason I love working with middle school kids.  But the older the students, the more I prize these moments - because the older they are, the harder these moments are to achieve.  In either case - 12 or 17, wide-eyed or desperately "jaded" - these moments provide a vicarious sense of discovery for me.  I never forget what those moments are like, because I'm never far away from the last one.  The best part of my job is: I'm never far away from the next one, either.

Reverb 11, December Fifteenth

What are some things/ideas/people/phrases/ words you hope will stay in 2011? What are some things/ideas/people/phrases/words you hope to hear more of in 2012?

I am so sick of "Winning."  I always kind of hate it when a fad takes an innocuous word and renders it obnoxious. ("Obnoccuous?"  "Innoxious?" Nah.)  But this one found my nerves and grated on them from Sheen Day One.

(A "Sheen Day" is an immeasurable unit of time.  It is immeasurable because it's never quite as long as it feels like it's been, and always longer than it should have been.  It is therefore difficult to get a grip on how much time has actually passed, since that self-important bag of damaged goods in dire need of help first realized he could capitalize on his total unlikeability.)


I would like OWS to continue and grow.  Don't stop harassing the moneybags.  It's not enough yet - the impact is not meaningful enough.  It's odd; OWS has sort of taken a page from the Tea Party Handbook (not their playbook, but the book the Tea Party wants you to think is their playbook, if you understand).  They're leaderless, and they have no specific agenda.  They are "against" stuff, but not "for" much.  If that's your play, you need to agitate loudly and consistently for more than a few months to drum up any change.  The sleeping dragon of the diminishing middle class does need to hear the simple message, and they have.  But they need to hear it until it becomes a voice in their head that won't shut up.  That's when they'll start to think "Well, this is a problem, but what can be done about it?" and come up with the next steps both on their own and en masse.  An idea that is simultaneously awakened in thousands of individual minds is nearly impossible to extinguish...as we've seen, since there are several such ideas that need extinguishing.


I am not excited for Election 2012.  I want My President (who, despite my objections to many of his decisions, is still So My President) to step up and knock a few progressive long balls home. (What's with me and sports metaphors tonight? I dunno.)  If he could do that, I would be a happier human being.  In the meantime, I am waiting to see what Dems decide to run against him.  I'm entertaining myself by watching the GOP circus, with an airsick bag nearby in case it gets to be too much.  Speaking of which, here are a few more things best left in 2011 (that won't be): Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich's Second Chance, and Mitt Romney.


Wait, that leaves Rick Perry, whom I need around for comic relief but not as a legitimate political entity.  Okay, '12, you can have Mitt Romney, but you have to promise not to elect him.

Reverb 11, December Fourteenth

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

Kinda shot myself in the foot for this one back on the First, didn't I?


Of what remains - of what I have not already addressed - the thing I appreciate most is the Internet.  I am of the last generation to remember vividly what life was like before we could take the Internet for granted.  Here in the "First" World, anyway - which, if you think about it, is really the Last (or at least the Most Recent) World - but I digress. Often, I remember to be grateful for the advent of the Internet; I guess I'm feeling it today.  (The Old Republic has nothing to do with that, I'm sure...)

Without it, I could not travel the world and be a full-time student; old-school correspondence courses required days at least for the back-and-forth of materials. It's helping me accomplish all of my goals simultaneously, instead of having to wrap up the school thing before beginning my professional life.


As I mentioned a few days ago, I have also come to rely on Internet sources for my sense of community.  This is actually a problem; more than many, I am aware of the need for direct interpersonal communication and contact.  Still, since I'd be completely isolated without it, I'm grateful to the Internet for the ability to simulate community while I'm too cowardly to get out there and find one for myself.  (You could argue that this simulation is keeping me anesthetized, thus depriving me of the impetus I'd need to overcome my cowardice; I know myself better than that.  I'd just be suffering.)


It's bolstered my recovery.  Since rest is so important on the road, and I don't make it to many meetings, it's absolutely key that I be able to reach my sponsor when the need arises.  The need arose more than once during my first month on the road this semester.  In the first week alone, his calming influence prevented me from firing off one or two angry emails that really didn't need sending.


How do I express my gratitude?  To the Internet?  I suppose I could gin up some Lolcats or something - nothing like a good meme to show the 'net you care.  Or I could just keep leaving pieces of myself like this blog scattered about the place, so that someday when the Internet bootstraps itself to sentience, it can read my musings and say, "You're welcome, Dash.  Also: you may live."

Reverb 11, December 13

What stuck with you? In 2011, what book that you read, film that you saw, song that you heard (or whatever is your preferred sensory experience) really stuck with you? The kind of thing where you keep thinking about it.

Let's see.  I was really excited to see Hanna, which disappointed me (not because it wasn't as good as I expected, but because it was exactly as good - and far too truncated at the end).  Haven't had any live musical experiences this year (except for catching the middle school chamber orchestra's teaser performance at an assembly in Salt Lake last week).  Haven't read anything incredible this year, although everyone in Mumbai recommended Shantaram.  As much as there is TV programming that entertains, I don't know if any of it "really stuck with" me, which leaves....

Arkham City.

Visually stunning, good plot, gameplay that's easy to manage but difficult to master, great DLC.  I do wish I could explore the sandbox as Nightwing or Robin, but I'll take the challenge maps. (And the Batman skins - playing as a Frank Miller Batman just had to happen.) Using Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill for the voice acting was, as with Arkham Asylum, a stroke of genius.  As sequels go, this one upped the ante appropriately; I actually enjoyed it a bit more than the original.

Now that Star Wars: The Old Republic is out (and I've got early game access - the only reason you're getting this post now is because the client is patching), I probably won't get much of a chance to revisit Arkham City - so I'm glad that the experience will stay with me for a while.  Good game, Rocksteady.  Good game.

Reverb 11, December Twelfth

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2011? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2012?

We moved to the San Fernando Valley in 1996; since then, the only neighbors I've known lived next door to me at Vassar.  Every year, I get a little more grateful that I grew up in a true community; even though my beliefs have changed somewhat since then, I remain grateful that I was raised in the community church.  It doesn't just take a village to raise a child, folks; it takes a village to make a home.

Junior year of college, we lived in this prefab house on the south end of campus.  As far removed as it was from the rest of campus, it was often a hub of activity for our massive group of friends.  I was always at my most peaceful when that house was packed to the gills and spilling people out onto the porch.  At least once during every such night, I would sneak off to my room for ten minutes. As peaceful as the presence of my friends made me, I still often needed a breath of air that wasn't being exhaled by someone else.  I'd sit in my chair, scan my email, and smile as I listened to the laughter and the music from down the hall; once I felt re-centered, I'd go back out and share the laughs.

Introvert though I am, I have always needed a community around me.  It's why I am Facebook-dependent.  In 2003, my Vassar community became a Vassar diaspora (if that isn't fun to say, you're mispronouncing "diaspora"); I crave the atavistic sense of connection my Facebook meanderings occasionally manage to produce.


This year, I have not discovered new community; that search is ongoing, as is the internal struggle to generate the motivation to intensify the search.  I've missed my weekly 12-Step meetings almost all semester, and AA is the only community to which I presently belong that meets in person.  (People often ask me if I find meetings when I'm on the road; I know I could, but it's just not as important to me when I'm out there as is rest.)  Now that I'm home for a while, I'm excited to get back to my home groups; less exciting, but equally necessary, is the prospect of finding new meetings so I can meet some new people.

Of course, there's the community in which I participate almost daily - if you could call us a community.  I mean, if we were all gathered in person (which must happen, folks, it must), we'd fit around a large coffee table.  I speak, natch, of my ex-Greader crew.  Emails fly to and fro daily, concerning the thoughtful and the thoughtless - the sublime and the ridiculous (WWFD?) - and every possible step in between.  I'll say it here, my friends, if I never say it again: your presence in my inbox is a major component of my sanity.


Next year, I'm hoping to find some folks to play softball with - or maybe even sing some a cappella.  I put out feelers for both over this past year, but a) I didn't look that hard, and therefore b) was not successful.  Like I said, I need to intensify the search.  And once again, the important step here is internal.